Wednesday, July 16, 2003

And the winner is...

This year's winner of the Bulwer-Lytton contest has been named, and it's Mariann Simms of Wetumpka, Alabama. Her winning entry for the opening sentence of the worst of all possible novels was:

"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently."

My stunned silence testifies to the greatness of this achievement.

Yet, to my tastes, it still doesn't plumb the depths of my favorite Bulwer-Lytton grand prize winner:

"She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming "The Twelfth of Never," I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth."

-- Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree, Port Townsend, Washington (1993 Winner)

 10:28 PM

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