Monday, October 27, 2003

A Modest Proposal

I'm going to hunt and kill Neil Gaiman.

No, really -- hear me out here.

First, give the devil his due. Neil Gaiman is one of the authors I most respect. The "Sandman" series counts as a genuine work of great literature, and I surely don't throw that phrase around often. (Especially -- dare I say it? -- about fantasy or comic books.) I was a little disappointed with the ending of "American Gods," but "Good Omens" was a friggin' riot. So I'm not suggesting that I'm going to hunt and kill Neil based on his works. In fact, his genius would normally militate against it. Strongly, even.

Second, hunting and killing a human being is usually very, very wrong -- self-defense and Hitler being a couple of exceptions that spring to mind. So I'm not suggesting that I'm going to do it for sport. In fact, I'm not recommending that anyone else do it. Killing = bad. M'kay? Unless Gaiman attacks you in cold blood, of course, in which case you can feel free to defend yourself.

It's just that I'm infected with the earworm from Hell and I'm willing to do anything to have my revenge. Gaiman's work 1604 infected Merideth with an earworm (see below) by setting a song to the tune of "Saints of God," and she has passed it along to me. (Is this the first instance of a virus whose vector is a blog?) Now I can't get that f*ckin' song out of my f*ckin' head no matter what I f*ckin' do. Not even the Chili's babybackbabybackbabybackbabyback gets it out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

At least I've started rewriting the lyrics:

"And one was a writer who wrote comic books
And all he gets now are dirty, dirty looks
'Cause I just can't stand this stupid goddamned song
By God I will have revenge."

Now, I'm sure that there are some of you who are wondering why I'm not taking this out on Merideth, under the theory that she is a sort of "Typhoid Mary" who should have kept her suffering to herself.

1. It's like my personal hero, Newton C. Estes, once said. When asked why he suddenly started pummeling Justice Byron White while shouting "That busing and pornography has got to go," he explained: "he was causing four-letter words to come into my living room through my TV set. I don't know how else to stop it except to go to the source." Well said. Neil Gaiman is making songs come into my head and I don't know how else to stop it except to go to the source.

2. Merideth could kick my ass.

And what of Dave, who proposed the topic in the first place?

1. He has dirt on me.

2. He's hidden the negatives.

3. Dave could at least fight me to a draw, using his mystical power to cloud men's minds.

And what of personal responsibility? Shouldn't I take responsibility for myself?

1. No.

2. Are you kidding?

So, I'm going to hunt and kill Neil Gaiman. I don't know what he looks like, or where he lives, or anything like that. And I'm really kind of busy right now, come to think of it.


But if I bump into him, I'm gonna totally go Bruce Lee on his ass.

 11:22 AM

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