Thursday, October 09, 2003

"Please Don't Eat Me" Is Not An Advertising Slogan

I have become thoroughly repulsed by the sub-moronic thinking behind advertising campaigns in which the product being sold is (1) an anthropomorphized foodstuff, that (2) confronts the reality of its death at the hand of the consumer. The most repulsive entry is the most recent: the new "Chips Ahoy" commercial in which the cookie is having a great time at the kid's birthday party until it realizes that there's no cake -- he is the cake! Close up of wacky look of dismay on the cookie's face.

Ha ha! We're all heartless, murdering bastards! And we ourselves are but flesh and dust and will one day die! Boy, I sure want a cookie!

Frickin' idiots.

And I feel the same damn way about the hapless M & Ms who run from their attackers, and all other variations of this theme. If you're trying to sell to me, don't call me a heartless, murdering bastard willing to devour a living, talking, anthropomorphic being that is capable of reasoning with me. It's really that simple.

Do they just not get it? The Chick-Fil-A cows are funny becuase they are (1) an anthropomorphized foodstuff, that (2) confronts the reality of its death at the hand of the consumer, and (3) fights back. They offer an alternative. They're cows that want you to buy chicken. Same with the chickens in "Chicken Run" and the pigs in "Babe," who are anthropomorphized into feisty fighters. And the antithesis of this thinking is in "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe," where Douglas Adams cleverly dreamed up an intelligent animal bred to want to be eaten. Arthur Dent finds it barbaric, but isn't the alternative worse?

Listen, I eat meat, though I think that every meat-eater should have to (1) meet a living, breathing cow and (2) be able to explain, in detail, the disgusting, mechanized process used to turn that cow into meat. I devour the flesh of animals, but I'm not a hypocrite about it, like people that want meat to be something pink and pre-packaged. And I assure you that my conclusion would be different if the animal had the power of speech, and was capable of trying to reason his way out of the situation.

And that goes double for baked goods. If I meet a talking cookie, I'm not going to eat it, I'm going to immediately join PETA, the Krishnas, and the Cookie Anti-Defamation League.

Frickin' idiots.

 11:15 AM

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