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Monday, January 19, 2004

3. Sputtering About Movies.

You know that feeling when you eat a slightly underdone hamburger?

More specifically, that feeling when you eat one of those really big, over-the-top burgers at Chili's or some such that they charge $9 for -- which is way too much, really, but you pay it anyway because you know what you're getting and a burger sounds pretty good -- and then you bite into your overpriced burger and the center is kind of gummy and the texture is a little weird and your upper lip curls with borderline revulsion as your tongue tastes the unexpectedly soft, cool flesh at the center?

And then you get diarrhea that night, and you realize that it was the stupid $9 burger that was underdone by the stupid line chef who couldn't care less about whether you're up all night crapping your brains out, because he knows that you won't come back and complain, even though you should, you really should, but you just never seem to make the call, and you just sit there crapping your brains out with self-loathing, reading an old copy of "People" magazine because that's the only thing in the bathroom?

And then everything is going along fine until four or five years later when you begin forgetting things, and you think it's just absentmindedness, but really what's happening is that bovine spongiform encephalopathy is setting in, and the "mad cow" prions are tunnelling holes into your brain like Swiss cheese, and when the doctors finally figure it out you're filled with an incredible sense of grief and anger, mixed with a sense of shame -- you never even complained about that burger all those years ago -- which is only alleviated when the disease destroys your memory and your higher brain functions, and the last thing that crosses your mind before you devolve into a persistent vegetative state is that it has all come to this: lying in your own waste in a hospital, forgotten and alone.

You know that feeling?

Legally Blonde 2 is exactly like that. The resemblance is uncanny.

And I liked the first one.

 6:35 PM

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