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Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I'm still swamped here at work, buried not so much under the work itself as under my own bad attitude and depression at having to get back into the dull grind and long hours. It doesn't help that I've been reading Molly Ivins's "Bushwhacked" at night, because no matter how funny she is, her subject matter just irritates the crap out of me. Paul O'Neill's recent revelation that Bush wanted to go to war in February 2001 also gets in my craw, but it's not a posting about that. Reading "Bushwhacked" is like touching a sore tooth with my tongue.

Things are tough. I find myself wrestling with the intense desire to do something -- ANYTHING -- other than work. In fact, the very act of showing up for work these days sends me into a dull panic. And, once again, it's not that the work itself is bad. It's that I seem to have changed. I've lost my taste for it. I think my still-distant plans have soured my enthusiasm for the present job, which is a damn shame because I'm going to be here for a good, long while yet. I stare at my computer monitor.

You know how in "Raising Arizona," Hi McDonough says in that dejected voice, "I found myself driving by convenience stores that weren't even on the way home"? When you read this next sentence, hear it with that tone.

I find myself surfing eBay for Christmas albums.

Anyway, I'm laboring to focus on the positive aspects of my present position. My shrink -- that's not a revelation, right? have I mentioned that I'm seeing a shrink? in fact, I'm saving my Zoloft bottles to make a strand of Christmas lights next year -- my shrink has tried to help me remember that my job is giving me all sorts of good "material" for my later career. But it's awfully hard. The sadness is pretty heavy. I'm not sleeping much at night, and that makes the days all the harder.

So, that's the update. The little guy is walking like a champ these days, and got promoted to a new nursery room at church. He's edging more towards meaning something when he says "Daddy." Shannon is on an interesting road, and I look forward to seeing where it leads her.

In other news, I finally broke down and violated my religion. The shame is overwhelming.

My trusty Powerbook G3 (approximate speed: Pentium III at 300 Mhz, with a slow hard drive) has been driving me crazy when I try to work from home, because it's so slow. So I bought a new computer. To save money and increase performance, I bought the various parts of the computer online and will assemble them myself. I wasn't willing or able to pay the $400-$500 premium for a sleek, sexy Apple. I get more performance for a lot less, and Windows XP is marginally usable. The fact that Apple made "iTunes" available for Windows may have been the final nail.

I am now a heretic. But it sure was a lot of fun buying computer parts from a free market where competition keeps prices down.

And, finally, a warning. You know that feeling when two homeless guys grab you and throw you down and crap in your mouth and then walk away laughing while you vomit from disgust and shame? The movie "Old School" is a lot like that.

 9:42 AM

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