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Wednesday, January 14, 2004

No, no, it's not the cry for help that gets the response from my readership. It's not the plaintive cry, nor the reference to my mental ailments. It's that I criticized the steaming goat turd "Old School" which was "pretty good" according to ShannonG, and "has boobies" according to Will.

"Old School" had no arc, no redemption, and no good gags that weren't done better by Will Ferrell on SNL. (The American flag thong skit comes to mind.) The characters didn't change -- they were unlikeable at first, and they never changed, and there was no reason to like them in the end either. The trumped-up "competition/test" at the end was a pale ripoff of the surreally brilliant "academic decathalon" in "Billy Madison," and even "Stripes" had the guys win by "doing it their way" instead of suddenly developing super athletic powers.

It was, and I say this objectively and as a matter of provable fact, like having two homeless people beat you up and crap in your mouth and walk off laughing while you vomit in disgust and shame.

And for all the rest of you who would rather talk about that festering snot rocket instead of showing a little compassion, I say this: you are bastard people, and I hate you and your ass face.

To lighten the tone a little, here's a scene worth recounting. It was last Friday night, and I was exhausted and depressed, and driving to go pick up Shannon from a get-together she had attended. Jonah was in the back seat. We were listening to the VeggieTales "Silly Songs With Larry" CD, and the "Dance of the Cucumber"* had me laughing so hard, so uncontrollably, that Jonah was absolutely flabbergasted. He had a look of pent-up laughter on his face, like he wanted to laugh, just as soon as he was sure that Daddy was really laughing and wasn't dying or something. As soon as I calmed down to a normal laugh, he burst out in giggles at the humorous sight of his father wiping tears from his eyes. I needed that laugh, and Jonah enjoyed it too.

For those of you keeping track at home, that's right. Jonah doesn't understand a word of the songs, but we've been listening to them. We were listening for our own entertainment, like parents that get hooked on "Sesame Street" long past their kids' own interest in the show.

In fact, I'll call it like it is -- there was more genuine entertainment in that scene than in the entire film "Old School."

So there.

* For those of you who are uninitiated in the finer things in life, it starts this way: Larry the Cucumber sings an Argentinian tango in Spanish, while Bob the Tomato translates. Larry is tall and thin, Bob is short and round. Think Art Carney and Jackie Gleason. Or Laurel and Hardy.

Narrator: "Larry will be performing the traditional Argentinian ballad, 'The Dance of the Cucumber,' in it's original Spanish. Bob the Tomato will translate."
Larry: [singing] "Miren al pepino"
Bob: [translating in a dry, flat voice] "Watch the cucumber"
Larry: "miren como se mueve"
Bob: "see how he moves"
Larry: "como un leon"
Bob: "like a lion"
Larry: "tras un raton."
Bob: "chasing a mouse."
Larry: "Miren al pepino"
Bob: "Watch the cucumber"
Larry: "sus suaves movimientos"
Bob: "Oh, how smooth his motion"
Larry: "tal como mantequilla"
Bob: "like butter"
Larry: "en un chango pelon."
Bob: "on a ... bald monkey."
Larry: "Miren al pepino"
Bob: "Look at the cucumber"
Larry: "los vegetales"
Bob: "all the vegetables"
Larry: "envidian a su amigo"
Bob: "envy their friend"
Larry: "como el quieren bialar"
Bob: "wishing to dance as he"
Larry: "Pepino bailarin, pepino bailarin, pepino bailarin"
Bob: "Dancing cucumber, dancing cucumber, dancing cucumber"
Larry: "Baila, baila, ya!"
Bob: "Dance, dance, yeah!"
Larry: "Miren al tomate"
Bob: "Look at the tomato"
Larry: "no es triste?"
Bob: "Isn't it sad?"
Larry: "El no puede bailar."
Bob: "He can't dance."
Larry: "!Pobre tomate!"
Bob: "Poor tomato!"
Larry: "El deberia poder bailar"
Bob: "He wishes he could dance"
Larry: "Como el pepino"
Bob: "like the cucumber"
Larry: "libre y suavemente."
Bob: "free and smooth."
Larry: "Pero el no puede danzar."
Bob: "But he can't ... Okay! Stop the music! What do ya mean I can't dance? I can dance!"

 10:26 PM

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