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Sunday, January 25, 2004

So it's really late, and I just got done listing over 70 CDs on eBay to try to get rid of some of the stuff out in the garage. Once I got them all entered, it was a pretty shocking insight into where I've been and where I am now. For instance, even the casual observer will note that I'm dumping a lot of Bob Dylan. I never liked Dylan that much, but I felt like I should like Dylan, so I kept buying albums hoping that his genius would be able to shine through that toadlike voice. It says a lot about me that I bought several albums just because I felt obligated to.

It's been a long, stressful, hateful week. I felt like someone crumpled me up like tinfoil, and it took all weekend long to even begin to uncrumple. And--if I may stretch the metaphor too far--you know how tinfoil never gets smooth again, no matter how hard you try? I feel like I'll never be smooth again. I'm carrying so much tension in my neck and shoulders and jaw that I'm starting to get nerve impingement problems.

Of course, I start dwelling on all this on Sunday night, knowing that tomorrow morning it all starts again.

God. It was such a good holiday. Jonah's birthday party was an absolute blast -- I managed to get all the lights up and running so that people looking for the party could find our house. From orbit. Jonah had a great time, though he was a little overwhelmed at having 40 people crammed into our tiny little house. And then, I had a great visit to Florida to be with my family. Things that could have gone wrong didn't; things that could have gone right did.

I should have known that something was afoot when I had a really stressful week after that -- the week between going to Florida and the week of Christmas. Car problems, long hours at work. But it was all okay because I knew that Christmas was coming. I started using Christmas as a crutch, an excuse, and an inspiration all at once.

And, of course, Christmas was very nice but not extraordinary, because I was hoping that it would be a liberation from all the stress that I was feeling. Of course, it wasn't, which meant I was in for one hell of a shock when I came back from the holiday straight into a particularly busy, stressful time at work. I got knocked off balance and I haven't been right since. I love Jonah so completely, so achingly, but he's fully mobile now and has turned into some sort of angelic version of the Tasmanian Devil. Shannon looks to me to bail her out at the end of a long day, and there's just not much left for me to give her.

So, if anyone locates a sense of purpose, a sense of balance, and a sense of relief, please let me know ASAP. I've been looking for them. And if anyone needs some barely-used Bob Dylan CDs, you know where to look.

 11:40 PM

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