Friday, April 16, 2004

A modest suggestion for a song.

We need a good song for this election -- a rallying song that will portray the problem with the current administration, and somehow imbue Kerry with some of the Elvis he so desperately needs..

We need Creedence Clearwater Revival's big f*ck-you to privileged draft-dodgers, "Fortunate Son."

Kerry would have to avoid the song, because he was certainly a child of privilege -- albeit one that volunteered for service and that was decorated for valor in battle. But frankly, this election isn't about Kerry. For those of us who understand that supporting our troops involves resistance to Emperor C-Plus Augustus, it's a fantastic rally cry, a jolt of adrenalin, the sort of song that makes you want to jump up and hold a rally. It's pure cocaine liberation injected straight into your eyeballs.

And it's only 99 cents on iTunes.

If you're not with me yet, consider this timeline of events:

1. Bush takes office, having received a minority of the popular vote, but a majority of the unelected justice vote. He immediately begins to plan for an invasion of Iraq, because -- and I quote -- "He tried to kill my Dad." He begins acting as though he had a popular mandate to yank the country as far to the right as possible.

2. Bush receives a series of PDBs that are uncharacteristically blunt. Unlike Clinton, who personally read each of his PDBs and made notes on them, Bush has people summarize them for him. Bush, after all, does not read or watch the news, because he trusts his advisors to tell him anything he needs to know. PDBs are normally one to two paragraphs long and quite dispassionate, but they grow increasingly blunt and alarmist, as if to get the attention of a dullard. The longest PDB yet -- "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside United States" -- causes Bush to snap into action. He goes on a month-long vacation where he is cut off from his national security briefings.

3. Bush is told about the 9-11 attacks. He does not react, instead choosing to continue visiting a class of school children for another 35 minutes, and then he is passively dragged around the country in Air Force One. When his advisors realize that he looks like a coward, Ari Fleischer asserts that the administration has proof that Air Force One was a target. He later admits that there was absolutely no evidence of that. At any rate, once on the ground, Bush snaps into action and orders Rumsfeld to make plans for an invasion of Iraq. He tells Rumsfeld to keep it quiet, because he realizes that if people knew that he was already planning another war while the war on Al Qaeda was still going on, he would be perceived as a warmongerer -- as opposed to a "war president," which is a mantle that he proudly wears.

4. The Bush administration begins banging the drums of war against Iraq, claiming that Iraq is such a clear and present danger that we cannot agree to our former allies' requests to give the UN inspectors another 45 days to complete their investigations. "We cannot let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud," says Dr. Rice. Donald Rumsfeld adds that not only are there weapons of mass destruction, he knows exactly where they are. Bush tells the Congress a discredited theory about yellowcake uranium as if it were (1) new, and (2) indisputable, instead of (1) stale, and (2) completely discredited. Fence-sitters in Congress give Dubya the benefit of the doubt and vote for authorization for war, but the UN reacts coolly to Powell's presentation of "the evidence." The Congress snaps into action and renames the French Fries in the cafeteria.

5. A government working group carefully plans the difficulties that would ensue from an invasion of Iraq. The group concludes that the Iraqis would not greet us as liberators, and that the three ethnic groups would begin to cooperate against us. It also concludes that hundreds of thousands of troops would be necessary to pacify the angry population. The group is disbanded and its report is suppressed.

6. America streams into Iraq and quickly takes control. Rumsfeld sees this as a vindication of his blunt refusal to send in the level of troops demanded by his own generals. American troops guard the Oil Ministry while looters tear down the other buildings for scrap.

7. Weapons inspectors find no weapons of mass destruction anywhere. Bush boldly takes responsibility and admits that he is a big enough man to admit that he was wrong. Just kidding. Bush's yellowcake uranium story is debunked by the man that investigated it, and the Bush administration rewards him by "outing" his wife, an undercover CIA operative seeking intelligence on weapons of mass destruction. When it becomes apparent this is (1) felonious, (2) cowardly, and (3) un-American, the loose-lipped Robert Novak refuses to explain which high-level administration official gave him the information.

8. Inspectors in Iraq do find evidence that (1) Saddam was a really bad guy, and (2) Saddam sure would have liked to get his hands on some weapons of mass destruction, but that (3) he was afraid to do it because the UN weapons inspectors had been breathing down his neck. Tony Kay reports that there were no weapons of mass destruction, and he is immediately crushed into powder. Bush Administration rhetoric shifts to the contention that "there is no doubt that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction programs." When Helen Thomas of UPI confronts him with this change, an exasperated Bush says "What's the difference?" The Bush administration attacks war critics by insisting that there is no difference between calling Bush on his lies and condoning Saddam's genocides.

9. American troops begin working to improve Iraq, but in a completely new development in American history, their cultural insensitivity alienates the very people they're trying to help. Gen. Shinseki demands hundreds of thousands of additional troops, and is crushed into powder by a rampaging Rumsfeld.

10. Clinton/Bush administration official Richard Clarke publishes a book that focuses on his argument that the invasion of Iraq was foolish because it drained our resources away from the far-more-critical fight against Al-Qaeda. But because he is asked to testify before the 9/11 commission, more attention is focused on his criticisms of the Bush administration before 9-11. Robert Novak, fresh off his "outing" of Valerie Plame, suggests that Clarke is motivated by racist, sexist animosity toward Dr. Rice.

11. When the American proconsul in Iraq orders an opposition newspaper to be raided and shut down, America discovers that the Arabic word for "Tet" is "Fallujah." Generals again demand hundreds of thousands of new troops, this time with a little more unity.

12. The Bush administration quietly fills long-dormant positions on local draft boards. Rumors begin that the administration is working to require pre-clearance before Americans may enter Canada.

13. American newspapers begin to defy the Bush administration's ban on news coverage of the unloading of coffins of our dead soldiers.

14. Now that soldiers and contractors are being killed, maimed and violated on national television, Bush consents to give a primetime press conference. (He has given fewer such press conferences than any president since the advent of the medium -- half as many as the next lowest number, set by Reagan.) Bush's costumer selects a tie with tiny polka dots. In a perfect metaphor for the war effort, the costumer does not realize that television screens are prone to the "moire" effect, which causes polka dots to blend together and shimmer, creating a horrible glowing effect. This was unlike anything the Bush administration could have expected -- that is, unless he had bothered to ask anyone who had any experience in television.

15. During the press conference, Bush (1) shifts his rhetoric from protection of the homeland to "making the world a better place," which should comfort the families of the 600+ dead and thousands injured, (2) cannot think of anything that he has done wrong, and complains that such a hard question should have been submitted to him in writing before the conference, (3) claims that oil revenues are greater than the administration thought they would be, when in fact they are 10% of expectations, and (4) boldly answers the Fox News question "You have been accused of letting the 9/11 threat mature too far, but not letting the Iraq threat mature far enough. Could you respond to that general criticism?"


Sing along with me.

Some folks are born made to wave the flag,
they're red, white and blue.
And when the band plays "Hail To The Chief",
they point the cannon at you.

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no senator's son,
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no fortunate one.

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand,
Lord, don't they help themselves.
But when the taxman come to the door,
Lord, the house look a like a rummage sale.

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no millionaire's son.
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no fortunate one.

Yeh, some folks inherit star spangled eyes,
they send you down to war.
And when you ask them, how much should we give,
they only answer, more, more, more.

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no military son,
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no fortunate one.

And this is a promise -- if the draft begins, look to this site to provide in-depth legal advice to those that are not fortunate sons.

With apologies to Lloyd Bridges in "Airplane!", I picked the wrong week to swear off politics.

 10:51 AM

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