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Wednesday, April 21, 2004

New Script Revision

A new addition to the script has come in. I was stunned by this when Woodward first mentioned it, but I wanted to let things develop a little before I let my rage kick in. The Bush administration misappropriated $700 million from the Afghanistan fight to fund the ramp-up to Iraq. This is a crime. It is an impeachable crime.

There are a lot of ways that this scene could be written, but this is my take on it:

(Scene: The Bush administration is standing in line at Wars-R-Us. A clerk is ringing up a new sale.)

CLERK: That will be $700 million, sir.

BUSH: Huh? We haven't even killed anyone yet.

CLERK: But you have to pay for all the people to get ready to go to war, sir. It takes a lot of equipment and stuff.

BUSH: But I thought we could do this on the cheap!

RUMMY: We can, we can. We saved a ton by getting rid of the body armor and armored Humm-Vees.

BUSH: Hmmm. (looks through wallet and furrows brow)

CHENEY: (tapping foot) Oh, for Christ's sake. What's the problem?

BUSH: He wants $700 million. And I won't have any more money until my next paycheck. Damn tax cuts!

CHENEY: No, no, if you cut taxes the government gets more money.

ROVE: That's right. Stay the course.

BUSH: But how can I cut taxes and get more money?

ROVE: STAY THE DAMN COURSE!

BUSH: Okay, okay. (Pause) I could ask my Dad's friends to bail us out.

(silence)

BUSH: Okay, okay. Geez, this is hard. Where does the money normally come from?

RUMMY: Congress.

CHENEY: Uh, ix-nay on the Congress. This is a secret, remember?

(POWELL comes in late.)

POWELL: Hi, guys, what did I miss?

ALL: Nothing, nothing.

POWELL: Hey, Humm-Vees. Umm... they have no armor. Are they for personal use, or what?

CHENEY: Oh, for... Look, George. We're getting plenty of money for the Afghanistan thing. Use some of that.

BUSH: Don't they need that?

CHENEY: No, no, that's over, we won.

BUSH: Oh, yeah. I saw the flag on TV. It made me proud. He's a bad man.

CHENEY: Afghanistan wasn't important anyway.

POWELL: What the hell are you talking about? Were you in a cave on 9/11?

CHENEY: Yes, actually I was. That's my "undisclosed location."

POWELL starts pushing CHENEY, but stops when CHENEY starts clutching his chest.

RICE: Look, Congress gave us a bunch of money. Use it however you want. You're the President. If you want to go soft on the guy who tried to kill your Dad, then that's up to you.

BUSH: Gosh...

POWELL: You do realize that Congress appropriated that money for Afghanistan, right?

CONDI: Well, Afghanistan, Iraq. They're all in the same "region."

POWELL: What "region" is that? They're 1400 miles apart!

BUSH: Yes, Colin. (snickers at name for millionth time; Powell blanches) Yes, but you must remember that both of them have Arabs. Poor Arabs. Poor Arabs are bad news.

CHENEY: And we already sent out the invitations.

POWELL: What?!?

RUMMY: Well, we were so excited that we told Prince Bandar all about it. With all the charts and stuff.

BUSH: I shoulda been there. I could have added the sound effects.

POWELL: Bandar already knew about this?

RUMMY: Well, we didn't invite you because you were busy. You know. Working and stuff.

POWELL: Mr. President, not only should I have known about this, but this is a crime.

BUSH: Zip it, Colon. (snickers)

POWELL: A crime, George.

BUSH: ZIP IT. www.zipit.com.

POWELL: Impeachment, George!

BUSH: Knock knock. Who's there? Zip it.

POWELL: This is bullsh*t!

BUSH: I love that movie.

CHENEY: Will someone tell Colin there's a reason we don't invite him to our parties?

BUSH: (to Powell) Listen here, now, big guy. You weren't invited to the party, and that sucks. I make faces at you behind your back, and that's tough too.

POWELL: You do?

BUSH: But I've made my decision, and you need to be a grownup. We're gonna do this. We're gonna throw the best war ever! People will be dancing and celebrating! Are you with me?

POWELL: (long sigh) Yes, yes. I'm with you.

BUSH: All right, then. Don't slip on your dignity on the way out.

(CHENEY turns to clerk.)

CHENEY: So can I just sign this check over to you?


 1:30 PM

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